a very happy, sorta witchy, birthday

I have to laugh to myself as I’m running through the sand dunes, feeling the traces of my new power, my bobcat kitty running beside me on a leash. How funny and strange I must look to the muggles… Look at that woman in her purple mexican shirt, pierced nose and gauged, tribal earrings….that (now) 50-year-old woman with her shaggy, silvering hair blowing in the wind. It’s very weird how her cat is so wild looking and well trained on that leash. They say she is a witch or a shaman or something… In fact, do you notice she has some kind of wild energy about her, too. They say she turns regular, russet potatoes into magical purple ones…wonder what else she does? Wonder who she is??

We shall see…

Just woke up, turned on the computer, popped in one of my new David Starfire CDs ( thanks Julie! ) and let the kitties out of the bathroom (they choose 4am to start getting active so this is this month’s lazy solution) and chuckled when I realized some people actually have fancy, electrical gizmos installed to heat bath towls. No need for that here, the 15 lb pixiebob (or whatever he is) does a great job and he eyed me, sleepily, from his perch on top of the towel stack high above my head. ….hmm, come to think of it they look nicely, ironed now, too. After I pee and pull my pj pants up, I must be diligent to tuck the little string tie thingies into the pants….otherwise I risk being clawed as they look just like tempting, dangling cat toys. Little, white claw-shaped scars on my legs are a reminder, lest I forget.

Behind the computer monitor, the windows face northwest. I’m up in the trees, here, and the hemlock and spruce branches are moving in the breeze. The morning sun has that golden light, reminding me that the fall equinox will soon be here. The trees are thick but I can see hints of the sky behind them (the ocean is that way) and the outline of the magical mountain, Neahkahnie…and it’s clear today. Usually a fog hangs around it reminding me of those stories of Avalon and the Lady of the Lake. I should go hike up Neahkahnie today…a sort of pilgrimage for my 50th. It’s been a few months since I’ve been up there. The energy is powerful and, although it’s only about a 40 minute hike to the top, it’s not a journey I take lightly or do often. I’ve learned that the native americans who lived here, the Tillamook Nehalem tribe, did their vision quests up there on the high, craggy view point. The shaman did other things up there. I’m still trying to learn what…those are the stories they do not “share.” There is a shrine created by the pagans who live here…it’s been on the mountain 18 years or so. The shrine stone sits in a hidden spot near the saddle of the mountain, where the trail first reaches the mountains spine. It’s a bit more of a hike up and around to the very top. The energy is very different in the two places. Many people, people who have been here a very long time, will not go all the way to the top. They don’t like the energy. It scares them. It feels very male and very powerful in a very ancient, deep, dangerous sort of way.

It’s that energy I’m ready to explore now.

A month ago, in a private meditation, I put my intention and energy out and said, “I am ready to take the next step. I want to learn who I really am and why I’ve been led here. I also need some more energy healing. Please help me to find these things.” It was the next morning that my new psychic friend showed up at my door with a powerful shaman healer. A woman who the intuitives around here call, “The queen woo woo of all the woo woo’s.” I would describe her as a shaman’s shaman…her healing wouldn’t even be appropriate for “mass consumption.” She showed up with my friend, both of them saying, “we felt Diana needed to meet you.”

As soon as Diana steps up on my porch she starts channeling and falls into a pose Maia explains is the “Mayan shaman.” She channels a number of ancient, shaman healer’s spirits…evidently, the Mayan shaman only comes out when she feels something damned powerful. When she finally comes in and sits down she says that the room is full of entities and protective spirits that are always around me and that they are asking her to help me. They tell her that they know my journey has been difficult and that they want her to make me more “comfortable” (I’ve at times suffered horrible pain from large amounts of energy becoming blocked…or unblocking.)

She starts speaking to me in an ancient language she is channeling and my soul and heart, somehow, understand her strange words….which sound kind of native american. she says it’s Star Language and that she was told by brazilian and american native shaman that the roots of native american lauguage came from the star people. It’s true, that I’ve read numerous places about these legends…most recently, reading the story of Manataka and Rainbow Woman .

Still, this idea is a pretty big leap for me, right now. Diana asked me several questions about my childhood and health: did I have a lot of allergies, did I always feel so different from my family, did I always pretty much rely on my own resources, etc. Then she said it was all completely understandable because I was a star seed and that many of us were in our last incarnation and were waking to our true selves. We were all being called and were gathering in a number of power spots all over the world. There were reasons for us to be there that would be revealed in their own time. (intriguing…)

Diana did this huge healing ceremony on me…rather, 4 or 5 of the shaman entities did the energy/sound healing…all singing and entonating in different, ancient languages. All’s I can say is that it was very strange, a little scary and very, very powerful. The most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced. Afterwards I felt completely different, lighter and clearer and I was channeling and high on energy for days…giddy on it. Diana also had special messages for me directly from my entities/guides…all of the messages were so loving and validating and comforting…that I’m doing the right thing, that everything is going to be wonderful, that I just need to hang in there and keep doing what I’m doing. It was like warm hugs from long-lost friends/relatives…I can’t explain it. Amazing.

I still feel different and in ways I have not even totally been able to absorb, yet. So, this has launched me full-on into another level of the spiritual journey. Every phase continues to be as wonderous and strange and challenging as the last.

Ahh, and lest I start questioning the validity or purpose of this whole experience I remind myself that I privately asked/prayed to my guides and the goddess for just what showed up at my door. It was unasked for and was given free. In fact, after the healing, Diana hugged me and thanked me for trusting her to do this for me. She said she was honored. This is not the first time someone has gifted me with healing and then thanked me for it. Interesting.

So, slowly, as I consciously integrate all these changes I’m seeing more of the direction my life needs to move in. I don’t think it means more computer work, either, even though I have had many intriguing projects this month. Actually, I was compelled to look into a part time job as one of the cartakers of a local woman who has Alzheimer’s. After I met her and interacted with her (Jaye) her daughter hired me almost instantly (surprise!)

I am learning (or re-learning?) that I’m actually very good at this kind of interaction…the subtle shifts needed to help keep things on an even keel. My friend, Lane told me that, “as a community, we need to start doing a better job of taking care of our own neighbors.” I totally agree. After just a few days spent with Jaye I cannot believe what an amazing woman she is and how good it makes me feel.

Double intriguing…

So, on to the next phase of my life. One that brings me closer to my purpose as an energy worker, teacher and artist.

People ask me over and over again, “what do you want for your birthday, Dawn? what can i give you??” I just tell them that I already have exactly what I’ve always wanted….a new life.

For my birthday I actually had a job interview in the morning. In the evening, all I wanted to do was gather at my favorite beach with some wine and friends and watch the sunset and splash around in the surf a bit.

Yesterday, I got up early and dug potatoes at the garden. Red, fingerling, gold and my favorite….the purple ones. They are like big, iridescent easter eggs and when I find one I have to clean off the sandy soil off and hold it up to admire it for a few minutes. They are so pretty. Two of my garden group showed up (one a founding member of the land trust and an herbalist) and we gathered calendula flowers and chamomile flowers to make medicinals.

Later, I took Calina for a picnic lunch underneath a special secret, ancient tree…we call her the grandmother tree. Then we went up into a meadow on the side of Neahkahnie and gathered wild mugwort, for smudge, and St. John’s Wort flowers to make an oil with.

On Thursday, when Calina came over, I was cleaning up a deer skeleton I had found in the sand dunes…I figured I could display the skull and use the rest of the bones for a wind chime or “cougar caller” as I call it or something

Talk about a witchy birthday….hahaha!

)

Journey to the Goddess: KORE

WINTER SOLSTICE
At Wanderland Rainforest
With Gwendolyn Endicott
Friday, December 21, 11-4

Winter Solstice is the night of longest dark, the point of deepest night before the turning of the sun and the rebirth of light. On this Holy Day we are reminded that “even in the deepest dark, the light does shine.” The pre Hellenic Goddess, Kore, personifies the Seed or “essential germ” of the grain. Her name means the center or heart of things. Old Mother Winter is pregnant with possibilities. Houses are lit with candles and sparkling lights. We celebrate the renewal of Hope. Journey includes story, ritual, journaling, time for reflection. $55 tuition 503-368-6389 or Gwendolyn@nehalemtel.net

New addition to the family

Thanks for the input on names for the new boy.

I settled on TitoMundo…Tito for short.

Tito is for Tito Puente, famous Latin drummer.  Mundo means World and is for the tarot card that keeps coming up for me.

She comes through, again…

I’ve been in a bit of a financial squeeze since making the big move out to the coast. I’ve been on this spiritual journey or “quest” so I’m attempting to follow my intuitive thread on what to do, who to include in my life, when not to do anything, etc.

So, I really wanted to attend the fall equinox celebration at Wanderland. With all it included the $55 tuition was a steal (a portion even goes to Wild Oregon) but I didn’t have the money to do it. I just put it out there to the “powers that be” that if it was meant to be the money would manifest itself. Well, I managed to squeeze in some extra work and bill out some hours for a client. The check, though small, came in time for me to commit to the celebration. Still, there were other bills to pay and it was a bit of an uncomfortable decision.

I wasn’t expecting anything but bills so I hadn’t checked my mail in a while. After the equinox celebration I decided to swing by the post office to check my PO box. I remember thinking, “There is money in there for me,” although I knew no client checks were coming.

Sure, enough, there was a dividend check from my truck insurance company. Now, I’ve never received a check back from my insurance company before so this was totally unexpected.

The amount of the check? It was $54.90.

I guess the Goddess thought that I was resourceful enough to come up with the other 10 cents!

JOURNEY TO THE GODDESS: The Bee Goddess

FALL EQUINOX

With Gwendolyn Endicott, author, storyteller, mythologist

In this Fall Equinox Ceremony, we are grateful for the gifts of harvest, the fruit of our labor. Day and night are once again equal–for a moment balanced–but we already feel the winds of change as we travel into the dark cycle of the year. In the journey, we will dwell with the Bee Goddess, who embodies principles of pattern and order in nature and who for over 3,000 years was revered as the vibratory voice of the goddess. What does She teach us about the rhythms of cycle and change, and about the meaning of “work.”

Journey includes mythology, story, journaling, ritual, and time for reflection.

We’Moon Weaving Circle Tomorrow

I’m really excited to be a part of one of the groups that’s meeting to help choose art and

other creative works for the next We’Moon calendar.

Previous contributors to the calendar and datebook have included StarHawk and Alice Walker (who wrote The Color Purple) as well as, Ruth Barrett, and art by Betty LaDuke, Melissa

Harris and Sandra Stanton. This is the 27th year of the calendar. The 2008 theme will be “Mending the Web.”

The weaving group meets in my town and is being hosted at Wanderland Rainforest Iseum. What a bonus!

RIP Buddy Cat

Buddy disappeared the morning I heard the cougar scream the first time. Always sad to lose a pet. Not the way I envisioned him ending his days. He was declining. Some days he’d seem almost normal but a lot of days he slept almost all the time. He moved slower. He was harder and harder to wake when he slept.

Then he’d seem to perk up and insist on going out. He usually didn’t wander far and seemed so happy in his new home just laying on the decks with the sweeping views through the pines. He’d hang out in the driveway and lie there for hours staring down over the road below and had a particular fascination with the neighbor’s chickens.

Perhaps the chickens ended up being his demise, luring him down into the same area the cougar was hunting. I think he heard something outside in the pre-dawn hours. Normally I’d keep him in but he was insisting on going outside, knocking things off my desk and jumping up in the windows. There was no keeping him inside. Groggy and tired I reluctantly relented.

Went back to sleep and was woken a little later by a scream in the night. I thought it was a woman but then realized it wasn’t human at all. I had heard that scream before in recordings. Then I knew it was a cougar. Sounded close, too…like right in the valley below, close to where the chickens are.

I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours. Buddy never came home. I looked and called and asked neighbors and put posts up. No Buddy. I really “felt” that he was gone.

A few nights later I heard the cougar scream, again. This time it was farther away. No doubting that’s what it was.

Weeks later I had a dream where I turned a corner and Buddy came up to me. He looked tired and old. I knew it was him saying his goodbye. I went outside and cried.

I have not really mourned a lot, though, because I have already cried so many long nights when he wasn’t well or he was sick and I knew his life was winding down. That cat and I have been through so much. I’ve never been bonded with a cat before this. I knew that he cared about me and knew I had his best interest at heart. He accepted the move and the new place and ended up being happier than I could have hoped here. He bonded quickly with the new kitten I got him as a companion and took over a mother role.

As the alpha-cat of our old neighborhood, though, I also know that he hated being so old and tired. I don’t think life held a lot for him if he couldn’t go out and be outside and healthy all the time. I think he knew that I was in a quandry as to when to take him to the vet and when to intervene with “medical measures” during this time.

I feel that, perhaps, he “knew” he may have been walking into danger in the early morning. Perhaps he smelled the female mt. lion (only the females scream) and was attracted. Maybe he decided to finally go check out the chickens below and got in between predator and prey.

I think he smelled the female mt. lion and that’s why he was so stirred up, insisting on going out. With coyotes, the pack will “flaunt” a female pack member in heat to attract domestic dogs. When the dogs move in to find the female, the pack moves in for the kill.

My theory is that if domestic dogs are attracted to their wilder counterparts, why not cats?

Either way, he is gone but he came back in my dream to say “goodbye” so I feel extremely blessed. I actually feel that this was a more fitting end for an alpha male who lived a long, full life. A better ending than fading away with a lot of pain.

Spiders from the past…

[thoughts when I couldn't sleep on 4.18.2005]

“One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small,

And the ones your mother gives you don’t do anything at all;

go ask alice, when she’s 10 feet tall.

When men on the chessboard get up and tell you where to go,

and the white queen is talking backwards, and the red queen’s on her head,

remember, what the doorman said,

keep your head

keep your head”

[white rabbit: jefferson airplane]

You’re so seductive, a warm silk cocoon that, strand by strand–starting at my head–envelopes me. Until I’m totally wrapped in a fuzzy, womb-like cover, head-to-toe. For a while, I’m ecstatic! Relishing the cocoon’s soft embrace.

But, then, little-by-little, I emerge from my false ecstasy and realize that the womb is encasing me–with no way out! But…by then, it’s too late. All I can do is lie in wait for the sting I know will come–and the burn of the poison running through my veins, my body, my soul–and the pit of despair with unclimbable walls as I realize, yet again, I’ve let myself be seduced by a force that’s only end–for me–is an inescapable spiral of pain of the body, mind and spirit.

Yet, still, she calls to me with her siren’s voice that entices me saying, “It’s okay, think of my warm, silky embrace. Think of the wonderful ecstasy of forgetfulness…

You’re smart enough to toy with the poison, play the game and escape, unscathed.”

And, while I know that it’s a lie–I can’t–I never have been able to play this game and escape unscathed.

Even so, I find myself thinking–maybe, this time, just maybe, next time…

And on it goes.

“…and the ones your mother gives you don’t do anything at all…”

[white rabbit: jefferson airplane]